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Karen Haradem posted an update 6 years, 2 months ago
Just called my parents to check on them after a week of the cold weather up north. Whenever I talk to them now, on my end, things are peaceful because I go into the conversation in the present, focused on enjoying the moment I have with them, in complete forgiveness and with the hope to make new memories. Unfortunately, it is not the same on their end. They have been heavy with the guilt trips, bringing up past behavior and trying to guilt me and shame me for it, as well as trying to force their own personal political beliefs on me and get me back under their control. It was so disappointing to me. Nothing can get better in our family until they are willing to communicate directly and let go of past offenses, so we can move forward in doing better now. From my end, I though we were already there, but I guess they are not. I could see that they were hurt by past actions, and they were indirectly bringing them up, but they did not choose to directly tell me. I did mention to them that a person can’t give you what you need unless you tell them, and also told them that I felt that I was a good daughter, sister, friend, wife, etc. My mom was trying to project her own behavior on to me while reminding me that my brother has a birthday next week. I don’t forget birthdays. That’s a habit that she has, but it’s one that I no longer punish her for, as I have learned to not get upset about the little things and love who for who she is. Sadly, she made the choice to shame me for my past mistakes. I know this is part of her disease. I made sure that I knew in my heart that it’s okay for me to have made the mistake of punishing her in the past, and I have forgiven myself for those mistakes. It’s just disappointing, but maybe it’s my expectations and not what they were doing that is bothering me. Any thoughts?!?
As I’m going about the rest of my day, I seem to be processing more of what was going on when I was talking to my parents, and acknowledging the feelings that are coming up now. It’s the same dynamic it always has been. My mother is drinking, my father is lonely and codependent. Giving myself the space to acknowledge my feelings about all of this and allowing the sadness to be there. Also recognizing past patterns in myself of wanting to fix it and feeling very worried about what might happen if things could get out of control. This is a very familiar place, but has not been this way in a really long time. Just letting my tears come up about it, while remaining detached with love and not worrying or obsessing. Grateful for the awareness.
I think that’s great that you are able to acknowledge and feel your feelings around that experience and get enough space from it to do so.
Thanks Jane 🙂
Karen, Witnessing you honoring your own experience and creating boundaries of your thought process vs. your parents. May Clarity and Compassion surround your discoveries of your own truth and value.
Thank you so much, Tami. I appreciate the light sent my way.
Agreed, it’s great that you are feeling your feelings about this. I know for my process, I call out the behavior to my mom in a loving way (if I need to). It’s tough being around people who haven’t done the work on themselves. I find it best to pick my battles so to speak. That’s not really the right term because I don’t view it as a battle. I would just make sure to honor yourself by saying something if you need to so that you are staying healthy and clear on your end, even they or she is not.
Thanks, Bev. I think I did a good job of not being defensive or justifying past behavior. It was a guilt trip for things that happened several years ago. I just calmly stated that I don’t do that anymore and I feel like I’m a good daughter. It has definitely triggered me, though, which I’m finding frustrating, but I am dealing with it. I think I have a lot of disappointment that it wasn’t better then I had hoped, and I really have lost hope that things will ever get better or that we will all be able to be a family unit again.
I’m curious where were you triggered? Your mind, your body, the younger you, somewhere else? I would love for you to start noticing any body sensations so that you can start de-identifying from them and not make yourself wrong for old stuff coming up and through. It’s great you can even acknowledge the trigger and explore where it’s happening for you. Truly signs of your growth.
Yes, it was definitely my younger self. I’m starting to feel those sobs coming up just thinking about it now. My parents have always had a volatile, violent relationship and they would each degrade each other when each was alone with me, trying to put me against each one and I was always always always so scared that Mom was going to kill herself or Dad would fly into a rage she hurt her and himself. The same worry and fear came up the other day.