Activity

Thank you all for your shares on the last call. Wow! It was wonderful. Here are my thoughts from the call:

Bev, I love what you said at the beginning about choosing to love ourselves and not go down the rabbit hole of judgment, shame, and unworthiness. YES! That’s how I felt at my interview. One of the people interviewing me was someone who triggered me in many ways and was, I felt, trying to get me to lose a bit of self-confidence and say that I wasn’t capable of doing the job. I just was not going to go there. I went in with the mindset that I don’t need them to think highly of me. It’s okay whatever they think of me, but I refuse to put that on myself, and I didn’t.

I also LOVE what you said about listening to the birds. Oh my goodness, I can totally relate. A few years ago, I stepped outside and noticed things I had never noticed before. The leaves rustling, the birds chirping, the sun beaming on my face, the squirrels playing, and even a snail coming out of his shell in front of me. That was a defining place for me because I knew that something had shifted inside me. A change had truly happened and I believed it. When I hear the birds now, I’m always amazed at how they each have a distinct sound. For most of my life I never even noticed birds and quite frankly, didn’t like them. Now I love birds. I saw a blue jay the other day and the colors just made me smile. So beautiful.

I agree with Misty when she said it feels “rooted” in this group with Bev’s leadership. I feel the same. We are all dedicated to this process and it shows.

I can also relate to the feeling of not remembering anything in 2018. It doesn’t come to my mind automatically either! Reminds me of what Michelle Obama said in an interview last week about her time during the Presidency. She was just going and going and “becoming,” but not remembering what was going on. I think it is a good thing.

Here are my answers to the journaling part of the call:

What was your intention for yourself in 2018?

My intention was to create a rough draft for myself. A plan of action (so to speak) for the future. Not something definite or set in stone, but a time to focus on the rest of my life. I’m in a point in my recovery where I’ve sort of settled in to the daily process and am now truly getting my life back.

What has been the feeling in 2018?

A feeling of accomplishment for me. A feeling of truly recovering in a sense that I have made it through some of the darkest parts into the light. A feeling of having direction and a sense of purpose. A feeling of knowing that all will be well and good, even when I may not feel like it will be. A feeling of confidence. A feeling of knowing what my values are and a feeling of standing firm in my beliefs. A feeling of integrity and truth.

What needs to be acknowledged? What needs to be honored? What is 2018 saying to you?

What needs to be acknowledged is my willingness to continue on this path. What needs to be honored is my dedication and commitment to get up every day and show up for my life. 2018 is saying to me that I’m a willing, waking, warrior who is answering the call!

What needs to be forgiven? What’s the learning? What do we need to have compassion for? What’s something that I need to let go of that I have been holding on tightly to?

I need to forgive myself for the times I have been unwilling. For the times I have given up or given in. For the times I have ignored and abandoned my values for the sake of being liked by those who don’t care for me and do not have good intentions in my life. The learning is in knowing that I can trust myself to handle these situations in the future, knowing that most people do have good intentions and that life is good. I need to have compassion for that little girl who was trying to survive and did the best she could with the knowledge that she had. Compassion for the little girl who didn’t want to heal at times and who stayed in that wounded and hurt place for so long. I need to let go of holding on tightly to the belief that we all will get along and there will be no conflict in the future. I need to let go of wanting relationships to mend or go back to what they were before. I need to let go of the past and embrace how things will look in the future. It will be different than the past, and that is perfectly okay.

Thank you to me for what?

Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for loving me and cherishing me through the dark times and for showing up for me each and every day. Thank you for the lessons and the opportunities. Thank you for the grace and gratitude. Thank you for giving me another day to enjoy this beautiful life I have been given.