Activity

I mentioned this on the call. I had a dream about a person in the Bible who was thrown outside of camp. This was interesting to me since I have left the religious structure that I grew up in. I am learning to trust that my dreams may have something to say to me that I might not verbalize . I thought at first this was a punishment to me. But what I have come to realize is that I have left the systemic structure of patriarchy and have come to my own “tent” of empowerment. The systemic structure of patriarchy is one that cuts a person off from personal agency, emotions, nature and learning to just be. The new tent I am learning to get comfortable with is one of kindness, empathy, empowerment, provision, and most importantly embodiment. The woman in the dream was named Hagar. She was cast out into the wilderness and thought that she had been forsaken. What happened was God opened a well for her and she was the only male or female in the Bible to name God. She named him El. Roi. The one who sees and hears me.

So what I am letting go of ……Thinking that I don’t have personal provision and guidance in my recovery to wholeness.

The question is ” Am I will to give up that which makes me suffer?” (Mindset)

Yes, I am. We all have a personal well that is filled by the Divine. It’s my job to cultivate drinking from it, receiving from it and knowing that provision is there because I am seen and I am heard. So let the uncapping begin for 2019 and I ask for grace to drink from my well in a new way. Day in and Day out.

The past two New Years Eves I’ve pulled out a journal and markers and written/drew what I want to let go of on one page and what I want to bring in on another page. It’s just something that has helped me get through the holiday sober. Looking back it’s amazing to me that I truly have let go of some of the things I wrote down and drawn in others. This year what’s coming up for me to let go of is negative thinking. It’s a new awareness for me that that’s how victim consciousness shows up for me. I would never consider myself a negative person or negative thinker because I’m not that way with other people, about their lives or the situations we find ourselves in, I tend to be very positive and optimistic I think. But in my own head, about myself and my life and events happening I am becoming aware that my judgements of myself are all negative thinking, and I don’t acknowledge the positive about myself or my own life. But because I don’t express it outwardly I don’t acknowledge the negative thinking is there. I think I hold on to it because I feel like if I don’t then I won’t work on myself or my goals, like I’ll get stuck in my current life. Anyway, as this all comes up now this is something I want to let go of, the need to focus on the negative to make changes (which doesn’t work anyway lol). I feel like Tami has said about birthing something new, that a new version of myself wants to be born and I need to let the shell crack open and shed the old pattern and way of being/thinking to let her emerge.

The need for acceptance. The need for people to think highly of me or to always see me in a positive light. I am at peace with my flaws.