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Wes Richards posted an update 6 years, 5 months ago
I came into the call with a sense of disappointment in my own process. Didn’t bring it up during the call at all but that was what I was feeling going in and actually for the last few days as well.
Old mechanisms came up during the call and I’m recognizing I’m currently in the grips of so many of these right now. Grateful for this awareness though. It’s an opportunity to be loving with myself as well as to rewrite these parts of my story. Particularly, where I most recently became disappointed and frustrated with my process was not being able to answer your question on my last nonsensical novel of a post of what it is that I need to express, or that needs to be expressed. Had no answer for it and still don’t. And now today, vulnerability has been coming up. Vulnerability equals expression for me. Both are rooted in fear for me. So maybe my lack of expression, of even being connected to what wants to be expressed, is related to leaning into vulnerability… leaning into it despite the discomfort and to see that discomfort as me being too in my head, to see it as an invitation to breathe into presence with it rather than feed the story around it and the ego.
Wes, I find your “nonsensical novels” to be very helpful. I struggle every day with even speaking at all because I don’t feel worth the space I take up on the earth, even though I know thatwhat I have to say is valuable and worthwhile, and it is okay for me to take up that space. Not sure if you can relate, but please know you are seen and heard by me. What you say makes sense to me. You are not alone. So happy to “see” you today and process with you!
I can only truly speak through writing. Speaking on the call today was full of self judgment for me. Pausing too much, going off on tangents, not making sense, fidgeting, looking at myself in the camera then away then at it then away again, stuttering (even if mostly only mentally)… gonna say some self forgiveness/truth statements for all of those after I’m done commenting here … so, anyway, when I express through writing, it’s possible I’m even more overly sensitive to the response I get, or don’t get… completely relate to struggling to speak and to taking up space but less certain than you in my own knowledge that I’m worthwhile and valuable, despite knowing I am… these types of paradoxes are a major pattern in my old story and a major source of inner turmoil. I guess It’s my true self that knows, my ego that doubts… wow, I like that… thank you for seeing me and know too that I see you and truly appreciate you.
Also seems like a lot of opportunity to love and accept yourself. Still feel like you are avoiding that work and practice and that seems to keep you in this space of judging yourself. What are your thoughts?
Very true. I have no shortage of opportunities to love and accept myself. And instead of using them for that, I’m still more attached to using them to defend my ego, even while (here’s that theme of paradox again) I literally want to destroy my ego. The answer here is to both stop defending or destroying it. Love and acceptance for myself can look like compassion for my ego’s necessary role in evolving as a spiritual being having a human experience. A part of me believes peace can never be possible for me if I’m in any way identified with my ego.
Having compassion for it doesn’t mean you are identifying with it unless you say it does. You “destroy” the ego through love. If that’s the way you want to look at it. I like to look at it as lessening it and strengthening my connection to Source and intuition. Great acknowledigng here.
I can relate!
I LOVE reading what you write. It’s part of your expression. I think we get to a point in our process where we get tired of expressing our ego’s fear. That may be happening for you. So use the vulnerability that’s coming up in your intuition and go underneath the vulnerability to see what wants to be expressed. Great insight is that it’s not your old story. It’s your truth! Connect with truth and share truth! Let me know what comes up for you here.
I connect more with spirit when I write, and ego when I speak. What needs to be expressed for or through me is all the things I write but through my voice, or even through writing with others that don’t feel as safe. I want to literally be standing in my truth, and that happens when I can speak without fear. My old story is feeling not intelligent enough to speak my mind, not worthy or valuable enough, that I’m taking up space, so afraid to say the wrong thing that I opt to say nothing at all. I can acknowledge that I’ve been stretching this pattern lately, albeit slowly, particularly at work. I also acknowledge that I’ve been pleased with the results, particularly my last couple days at work. I am definitely exhausted with expressing my ego’s fear so might be time to try expressing my truth. The ego can just deal with it.
Huge realization…spirit = write and ego = speak.
You aren’t going to speak without fear when you start. You are going to have to speak regardless of the fear so you can share truth and your light. How come you can allow all those things when you write but you have all those judgments about speaking. Doesn’t really make sense, does it? Wondering if that’s just a story used to disempower you so you don’t have to speak your truth. Keep working this process at work, in our group and anywhere else you can challenge yourself to do so. YES, your ego is just going to have to deal with it…lol. Love that!
Exactly! It’ll deal. Some of the ways it hasn’t been dealing: I still experience fear about speaking on the group calls in front of you guys. I’m nervous just answering you when you ask how I’m doing at the beginning of calls. I always find myself somewhere between desperately wanting to share on camera with the group and wanting to observe quietly off camera. And I always know I’m going to screw up my message as soon as I open my mouth to say something. Same goes for our individual coaching calls. Yet, in day to day life, at work, my anxiety isn’t nearly as bad. Still not great but not as bad and it manifests in different ways as well. The reason for this in our calls is that with you or in the group, I expect myself to be vulnerable. Not always so at work or day to day life. And even though I feel safe doing so within our group, I’m still hearing and speaking my own voice and identifying that with a story aligned with all my past experiences of speaking vulnerably and truthfully instead of aligning with my truth (not the case with being able to write from more of a connection with spirit). And when I do speak, I’m not owning my expression because I’m weighing my words and judging them and needing validation and feedback. I use my voice to disempower myself when I make wrong what I say, the way I say it, the way it sounds or the way its received, which currently I do faaaar more often than I’d like, particularly when expressing vulnerably. And the fact that I express differently in other situations shows I’m out of alignment somewhere, either expressing in coaching calls, speaking at work, but more likely, both. I’m not being who I am in either situation, I’m acting according to who I think I’m expected to be in those situations (and failing miserably because its an impossible task I’ve set for myself). Also failing at it because of the cognitive dissonance of trying to be someone else for others within my own boundaries of making sure I’m staying true to myself and my values. If I dropped the need to be anyone else, the staying true to myself part still stands on it’s own, as if the 2 things could coexist in the first place. The vulnerability comes with fully owning and accepting myself as I am, as I speak, as I sound, for my expression and regardless how I’m received. Never needed that other piece which was a mask and counterintuitive to staying true to myself. I’m open to putting this into practice and acknowledging that I already am, which is where this awareness came from. Still not fully owning it though and this is where I can express myself empoweringly and change my story around self expression… Could probably keep going with this but open to any thoughts.