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On my facebook profile, one of the first pictures that appears is that of myself and 3 women making faces at the camera, taken and posted this past January.  Despite a prior, limited connection of only a few months previous on facebook, I’d only  met these women in person for the first time less than 48, and possibly less than 24 hours, before this photo had been taken.  For me to have dropped my guard enough to not feel shame over letting go in that moment and expressing silliness or joy or whatever I was feeling, to have connected with strangers this quickly when almost my entire life to that point said I wasn’t capable or worthy of it, for this picture to have been taken at all, posted even, meant I must have been at my most confident, fearless, free, worthy, joyful.  I’m proud of this picture because I felt like a normal human being for the first time in a long time, maybe ever… I’m bringing this up because I’ve been sitting with heavy anxiety these past 3 days, heavier than its been this past year, which in itself has been heavy.  I’ve sat with the unfinished business work I’ve been doing and let it be for a few days.  And today, while messaging with one of the women in the photo about spirituality, our lives, our business (which I’ve totally neglected if not abandoned altogether) and the possibility of all four of us meeting up at another of the business events similar to the one where we all first met, I was struck by the massive limiting belief I picked up as a child that when I allow myself to experience joy and worthiness and confidence and freedom, suffering must inevitably follow.  2 to 3 days after the above mentioned photo was taken, my cousin’s 6 year old seemingly healthy, smart, talented and incredibly loved son died without warning.   Its as though I’ve entered this earthly existence with a soul contract of some sort that says I, Wes, and those I love will pay a price every time I consciously choose to use this earthly existence to selfishly bring joy or worthiness to myself.   I’ve drawn the subconscious connection that my happiness brings death or at least suffering of some sort, always to myself but in many cases, such as this one, to those I love as well, and a suffering that far outweighs mine.  This isn’t the first time I’ve been aware of this belief.  But it is the first time I haven’t pushed it away and gone about living my life status quo in a way that, to my mind and distorted way of thinking, wouldn’t invite death or suffering (but did anyway since the status quo way of living my life was the very definition of suffering, albeit comfortable, tolerable and familiar suffering).  Instead I want to consciously choose to sit with it, observe it without judgment, see what there is for me to learn….and hopefully to release it…. Or, on the other hand, is there something to what I said about entering my body at birth with a contract that shuns joy and pleasure in favor of choosing to suffer because doing so is where my as yet unidentified purpose is waiting to be revealed?  This probably makes no sense.  It doesn’t to me either but it resonates with something inside of me as something that resembles truth.  And how can I tie this into the unfinshed business work I’ve been doing so far?  I always, always welcome any and all feedback but particularly so in this case.  Thank you