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Wes Richards posted an update 6 years, 6 months ago
Had a rare, extremely out of character expression of anger at work tonight with my supervisors that I think shocked them (shocked me anyway) and that I’m replaying over and over in my head. Not sure how to feel about it. I feel some regret while also recognizing that what’s said is said and it must’ve happened for a reason. I also notice myself repeating a pattern of behavior of finding every reason I can to feel that I was in the wrong and to justify feeling guilty and ashamed and discounting that I had any legitimate grounds to feel the way I did. A lot of self judgments coming up around how I expressed my point as well. My anxiety ramps up and I’m not totally sure the shaky and anxious way I expressed wasn’t a form of a panic attack. There’s also the awareness that I expressed rather than repressed my feelings which I’m generally afraid of doing. I generally don’t feel worthy of expressing my feelings so this part feels like a win, even if I mostly feel wrong. So I have some mixed feelings… Ultimately I’m owning that it happened, it can’t be changed, and I’m trying not to lose myself in the story of possible repercussions for my actions. What happened is part of the process and I want to be curious about where it leads and what it opens up (or possibly closes) rather than beating myself up for something that can’t be changed.
Thank you for sharing and want to support you in not making yourself wrong. I really liked that you expressed yourself. Often when we don’t and then we do there is a learning curve of what that looks like. So don’t be too hard on yourself with what the expression looked like. The more you do it the more you will find your way of expression. When I get really upset, I get shaky too. So you are not alone. All you can do is move forward and learn from this experience. We can stay neutral and let it be.
Thank you for the support. I feel ok about it. I was less embarrassed about the shakiness than I have been in the past. I had to consciously decide to let that go and it actually worked. If I had to guess, I’d say expressing myself felt more empowering than anything else.
Wes, I am glad you can externalize your experience here in a safe place and give such important expression to what is. Open, Honest, Vulnerable as you find your way in being your best self. Life lessons sure happen to refine us. Protest is a sign of healing…….so is vomiting….( not to be funny but true). Glad to witness your journey of knowing and understanding.
You’re so right. This one life lesson seems to be having a healing effect ever since it happened a few days ago. Something is shifting.