Activity

I did an inner child meditation today.  During the meditation, I was prompted to become aware of any discomfort or unease in my body, like we were talking about a few days back in the lab.  My attention went to my left shoulder and upper back that I’ve been rehabbing with physio for the past 4 days.  It asked me to listen to any feelings that might be associated with the unease.  Immediately, fear and struggle came up for me.  I remember when I first noticed the pain a few weeks back, it was after lifting the heaviest weights I’d ever lifted before in 2 particular exercises and I remember specifically feeling afraid that the weights I was attempting to progess towards would be too much and that I would be risking some catastrophic injury by going any heavier.  There was also a sense of not belonging there, lifting any heavier than I was.  I also recalled not wanting to fail and struggling, at the risk of my form and injury, to reach the required number of reps.  Luckily, I didn’t catastrophically injure myself and I did complete the reps and sets, but not without some cost in the form of the pain I’m experiencing…. 
Later in the meditation, I was guided down a path towards a tree in a clearing where I,  as a child, was seated, leaning against it, maybe needing the support of something solid and real.  I recognized the fear and suffering he was trying futilely to bury beneath a weak smile, ever trying to be the good boy to please…whomever’s world he was taking up space in.  In this case, it was me, as an adult, who’d entered the space he felt ashamed to be occupying, that he was now feeling the pressure to please.  Not sure whether he knew who I was then.  He didn’t know what to say.  He fidgeted nervously.  I felt overwhelming compassion and deep sadness.  I wanted to take his fear away, this sense that his life was a prison sentence, without escape, and meant to be a struggle until God determined he’d suffered enough.  He was afraid that he couldnt handle the weight of what lay ahead of him.   I smiled weakly back at him, and as I did, I became aware that I was still just as afraid as he was.  But with it, came the awareness that my fear was a choice I was making in that moment.   There was no reason to be afraid.  And I smiled warmly at him.  It was a smile informed by gratitude and joy for who I’d become.  I don’t know if any words were exchanged, just messages conveyed through feeling but I think he recognized me in this moment.   I remembered back to when I was him and when I couldn’t believe that I would ever grow up, the subtle sense of hope that came with that thought, even though the fear of it was worse.  And he was in awe at who stood before him, the recognition of himself.  That he could make it this far from where he was now.  That his faith would be rewarded… I lost the connection with him several times, always finding my way back… until the meditation ended…  I’ll go back.  Not because I need to to be complete.  But because he’s not.