Activity

There’s an awareness with the equanimity thing that I use it to keep myself small. I use it to avoid stretching myself and to avoid taking responsibility for the learning that comes with failure. I tell myself I’m alright with failure so I don’t have to feel bad about myself… I use it to pat myself on the back, shrug my shoulders, and congratulate myself for at least trying. Then I go into hibernation from taking meaningful action for days or weeks at a time and wonder why I’m no closer to my goals… What else feels true is that I’m afraid to truly stretch myself. I take a few calculated risks here and there and tell myself I’m “stretching myself” but truth is if its not comfortable, I avoid it. This could be because I haven’t yet released the story I have around failure, namely that I am a failure. And because I haven’t released this story, I keep myself in fear of failure because I know my ego will use failure to validate the story I have of myself as such. It’s a self perpetuating cycle, or a self fulfilling prophecy. But it doesn’t have to be. I have a new way of receiving “failure”. I’ve known for years now that there is no such thing as failure, only feedback. And intellectually, this has made complete sense to me. So, moving forward, failure is going to be about adventure. This means that I really stretch myself through bold, scary action and through application of my intellectual knowingness, in all its various forms. And sometimes, maybe even more often than not, I’ll succeed in ways I couldn’t have conceived of. Other times, my ego will convince me that I’ve failed once again. This will become my signal to my higher Self to connect with the spirit of adventure with which it chose to have a human experience. I chose adventure because its not something my humanness really connects with because its always represented fear, but at the same time, I, as in my humanness, have always been intrigued by, and curious about adventure. And for the past 3 years, I’ve connected with my own healing and growth journey, or adventure. This intention will represent an uplevel in this ongoing journey.