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I’ve been keeping a food diary for the past few weeks, trying to withhold judgement and just record everything and go from there. I wrote out a huge list of goals around food, my body, weight etc. I realized that some were more outcomes that I wanted as a result of changing my relationship with eating vs the goal itself. Like feeling more confident, not obsessing about food, have more energy, etc. Some of the goals I wrote were eat whole foods, quit drinking pop, exercise more often, cook & eat at home more often, quit eating fast food & junk food, respond to my emotions with something other than food, stop eating before I’m full/physically uncomfortable. Losing weight is/was a goal and an outcome kind of. So in this process of writing everything down, it’s like this awareness is there that I can’t unsee now. So when my reaction to something is to go get food, I’m aware that it’s not going to make me feel better and it will probably make me feel worse. So I haven’t been through a drive thru in 4 days, which is embarassing to be proud of but I am. It’s not that my food choices have been the healthiest but that’s a different thing than turning to food as a coping mechanism you know? Today I weighed myself and I lost 3 pounds that I had gained pretty much last week and I immediately thought oh I can go to McDonald’s for lunch. Self-sabotage is so real for me. I realized that I don’t think weight loss can be a goal for me, I want to get rid of my scale and make the goal be I want to feel good after I eat something, physically and emotionally. I think weight loss would probably happen if I eat to feel good, but if I look at it and watch for it I will just keep sabotaging myself. Just needed to write this all out.